Jokes

Two blondes go for a walk in the forest. Now we wouldnt think of perpetuating the stereotype, and we resent the fact that blonde women are thought less intelligent than anyone else. And so did these two. So they're walking, discussing life, nature, both being amatuer wildlife enthusiasts. They come across some tracks.

One says "I know these tracks. They're moose tracks"

The other says "You're close, but they're actually elk tracks"

The first says "I lived in the forest with my grandfather. He taught me a lot about wildlife. They're moose tracks"

And so they argue back and forth for quite a bit. And then a train runs over them.

How is Cheryl Cole like the Icelandic volcano?
They've both stopped blowing Ash.


An elderly Italian couple arrived in New York. They stopped off at a shopping mall, but somehow became separated. The feisty Italian woman then went from store to store asking: "Hava you seen my Mario, balda head, potta belly and da baggy pants."

Time after time, no one had seen her Mario until finally a sales clerk said that a man matching his description just ran out the back door "lickety-split."

The woman said: "No, no, that's notta my Mario. He may grabba da ass, pincha de tit, but he no lickety-split."

Why Sex is Like Riding a Bike

You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

It's best to wear protective headgear when entering unfamiliar territory.

You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try until you have plenty of experience.

It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

You don't need any special clothing, but you can buy some some if you're really into it.

Do it for too long and your crotch goes numb.

Once you learn, you never forget.

It looks easier than it is.

If you're with someone who is struggling to keep up, its best to slow down and wait for them.

Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

If you fall off, you should always get straight back on.

A man was having a crap in the train toilet when there was a knock on the door. "Can I see your ticket please? asked the inspector.

"Not right now" said the man. "I'm having a crap."
"I don't believe you" said the inspector. "Can you pass it under the door"?"
"Okay" said the man, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

A man was cleaning his car one morning when his neighbour came over and said tearfully: "My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Tony the mailman."

"What? That fat ugly git I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes" laughed the neighbour, cheering up.
"Why would Tony the mailman want to shag that?"

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.His wife is lying in bed reading.Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you"ve got a headache."Wife replies, "I think you"ll find that is a sheep."Man replies, "I think you"ll find I was talking to the sheep."

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Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.Such a pity it was a puppy.

Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door?
A. Because it soot’s him!

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."