Jokes

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet.

My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your leg, don't come running to me!"

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It's looks as if a tornado swept through your room!"

My mother taught me HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My mother taught me about "ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

And my mother taught me JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids...and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Why is that when your wife gets pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "Congratulations", but none of them rub your dick and say "Well Done?"


A priest was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her breasts almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to his parishioners, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman when everyone else had left the church.

When they were alone, the priest said sternly: "Just what do you mean coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why father" the woman replied, "all my boyfriends tell me they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads between my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check" said the priest, carefully placing his head between her breasts. After several minutes, he raised his head and said: "I can't hear any angels singing at all!"

"Of course not father" she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

While away at a conference, a business executive met a young woman who was pretty, witty, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well.

Unfortunately, despite being enormously attracted to her, the executive found himself unable to perform and so the evening ended in disappointment.

On his first night home, he walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife wearing a crumpled old bathrobe, her hair in curlers, her face covered in cream, and chewing gum loudly while she pored over a tacky celebrity magazine. Then without warning, he felt the onset of a massive erection.

Looking down at his robe, he snarled: "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

A man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime and getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Renault van ran out of fuel.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

I got stuck behind a young girl riding a horse yesterday.
I just couldn't get past her.
I was tooting my horn and hanging out the window shouting at her, but still she wouldn't let me past.
The guy on the motorbike behind me was waving madly too.
I was so frustrated.
"It's people like you that cause accidents," I shouted at her.
After several minutes, I could take no more.
I looked all around to make sure the coast was clear...
...and jumped off the carousel.

Cats' Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs

10. Up on the Mousetrap
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, The Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!

Things Not to Say to Your New Girlfriend's Parents

Can I put my car in your garage...just in case the cops come around?

Susan is so pretty, I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

Once I pop her cherry, I'll probably lose interest. You know how it is.

I didn't want to say in front of her, but I'm only going out with Susan for a bet.

We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now: My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

They always say a girl grows up to look like her mother. Let's hope Susan's the exception to the rule, huh?

Which one of you taught Susan to give great head?

Your daughter is safe with me. If I can handle prison. I can handle anything.

Six different dates in one week! I'm really on a roll now.

Do either of you know anything about genital rashes?

Do you happen to know if she does anal? Even if she doesn't, it's no big deal. It's not a deal-breaker....yet.

My parole officer says Susan has a calming influence on me.

I can't believe I'm going to bang your daughter tonight!

Why are saunas like blondes? - They're both hot and wet when you enter, and they don't mind if you bring friends.


A girl told her boyfriend: "I'm of for a vajazzle."
"What's a vajazzle?" he asked.
"It's where they put sequins all over a cunt."
"Oh" he replied. "So you're going to be on Strictly Come Dancing?