Jokes

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house there.

The family's five-year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking to the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit in on their coffee and dinner breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing £5.

She took it home to her mother, who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the clerk asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied: "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."

"Well, you are a clever girl," said the clerk. "And will you be working on the house this week too?"

She replied: "I will if those useless cunts at the timber yard ever fucking deliver the skirting board!"

Father: "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
Son: "Diet"

Woman: My husband has flat feet. Is that grounds for divorce?"
Lawyer: "Not unless his feet visit the wrong flat."

My dogs so lazy, whenever I'm watering the garden, he never lifts a leg to help.

I asked my dyslexic friend, "Which American rock band split up in 2011?" He said: "Erm..."

Two old ladies are discussing their dead husbands. One said: "Did you have mutual orgasms?"
"No" said the other, "I think we were with the Prudential."

A man walks into his local pet and says to the assistant: "I want my money back for this budgie sunbed." The assistant replied: "That's a toasted-sandwich maker mate. "

My horoscope said: "You're going places and can't be stopped."
Unfortunately the officer who gave me a ticket obviously hadn't read it."

Patient: "I have this urge to paint myself gold. Why?"
Psychiatrist: "It sounds to me as if you have a gilt complex."

A woman married a man who did not believe in pre-marital sex, and despite not being a virgin she had managed to convince him that she was.

Before going on honeymoon, she asked a friend how she could keep her secret seeing that she would soon be having sex with her husband for the first time. The friend suggested that she shove a piece of raw bloody meat up her vagina, so that when her husband penetrated her, she would bleed like a true virgin.

So she took her friends advice, and on the first night of their honeymoon she and her husband had great sex. But the following morning, she woke to find him gone.

He had left a note on the bedside table. It read: "Sorry this marriage is too intense for a guy like me. I will always love you. Oh, and your vagina is in the sink. "

A man asked his gym trainer: "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?" He replied: "Try the ATM."

The doctor refused to give my granddad Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

I passed a guy in an RAC van sobbing uncontrollably. I thought, that man's heading for a breakdown.

When Noah was asked about his life, the memories came flooding back.