Jokes

R.I.P Jokes Thread

nothing like free speech is there?

the people who are reporting these jokes want to get a life sad fuckers!

I'm just doing my job guys, we have a few Jackson fans on the forum...so no more Jacko jokes please!

I know humour is subjective and one person's funny is offensive to another, but as long as the jokes aren't racist or very bad taste, for example - dead children! they should be okay, as I said, we have a few Jacko fans on here, so please leave off joking about him...Please!

I don't want this joke thread becoming anything but that, so let's leave it there!

Skully.

We might as well kill this thread off then. If some members are so offended by a couple of Jacko jokes then they're obviously not mature enough to handle a jokes thread.

If thats now the case

Here's a non offensive one.

Why did the chicken cross the road ?
..To get to the other side . . . . . .

bloke goes to the doctors for a check up doctor says "i've got some bad news for you.i'm afraid you have got aids not only that you have got a special strain of aids hiv557 and you only got 2 weeks to live" bloke goes home to tell his mum she says "come with me to bingo tonight and it might take your mind off it" so they go to bingo and bloke wins everything the line the house and the big national one £100.000 this bloke wins. the bingo caller says "son i have been bingo calling for 25 years and i have never seen anyone as lucky as you" the bloke stands up and says "lucky lucky i've got hiv557" fuck me says the bingo caller you've won the raffle as well!

A married couple celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary go back to the hotel where they stayed on their wedding night.
Looking at the bed the wife asks,"what were your thoughts when you looked at me lying on this bed 25 years ago?"
The husband says," I looked at you and thought... I'm gonna fuck her brainless and suck her tits dry!"
"Really?" says the wife, "what are you thinking now?" she asks coyly.
He replies,"Looks like I did one hell of a good job!"

...one to make you groan
A man goes to his GP.
"Doctor, Doctor I've grown five penises"
"Good grief man", says the Doctor."How on earth do you get your trousers on?"
"Why they fit like a glove!"

A beautiful blonde goes to A&E with her left index finger shot off and explains to the doctor that she was attempting suicide.
"You tried to kill yourself by shooting your finger off?" says the puzzled Doctor.
"No, Silly!" says the blonde "I took the gun and put it over my heart and was just about to pull the trigger when I thought - I've just spent £30,000 on chest enhancement work, what a waste of money that would be. So I placed the gun in my mouth and was just about to pull the trigger when I thought - I've just spent £40,000 on dental work to cure a slight overbite, what a waste of money that would be. So I placed the gun against my right ear and was just about to pull the trigger when I thought - This is going to make a loud bang so I put my finger in my other ear"

couple on honeymoon and the man goes to the bar for a drink and orders a pint of bitter. the barman says "am i right in thinking your on your honeymoon?" the man replies yes "then in no circumstances do you want to be drinking bitter it will shrivel it up, what you want is a brandy it will make you like a lion" the man orders a brandy and goes back to his room 30 mins later the man is back "marvellous barman fucking marvellous give me a double brandy and a pint of bitter for the wife"

One day an Red Indian boy asked his father why they have such strange names? The father answers, "Well son whenever a Red Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."

................................................................​..............................
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"


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A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."