Jokes

Man: do you like chicken?
women: yes

Man(pointing at his dick) well try this it's foul.

question: what does DNA stand for?

answer: national dyslexic association.



Question : what does an essex girl use for contraception?
answer : her personality

statically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape!

A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A Seargent Majour is in the last stage of recuiting new recruits into his regiment. 'Ok you have passed all the gruelling physical and mental challenges to get this far, but to have the physical and mental attributes comes to nothing if you dont have commitment, now what is the one thing without, that makes you not fit for the army? you horrible lot'
'commitment sir' they all shout in perfect unison
'right let me show you what I mean by the word commitment' so he claps his hands in walks a handler, with a crocodile with a leash tied around his neck. The seargent majour pulls down his trousers and the crocodile quickly gets its jaws in a vice like grip around his crown jewels. The Seargent Majour stands there whith no emotion showing on his face for 5 minutes, he then pokes the crocodile firmly in the eyes and the crocodile lets go of his crown jewels and stares daggers at the Seargent Majour but is restrained by its handler.

'Right who wants to be the first to show me what commitment is?' says the Seargent Majour. One of the recruits puts up his hand and says 'I will sir but only if you promise not to poke me in the eyes'

patient: doctor doctor I have two cocks and one of them is going drop off because I have been wanking so much

Doctor: pull the other one!

A man goes to a specialist about having a terrible stammer and the possibiity of having it removed. 'Doctor i reall reall reall really wan want thi thi this stamm stamm stammer re re removed. Is there any way you ca ca ca can hel hel help?' he pleads.

The doctor tells him to drop his trousers, he is reluctant at first but is told in no uncertain terms there is no possibility of the docor helping if he does not co-operate, so he does so reluctantly and to the lack of surprise of the doctor the man is endowed with a fifteen inch long pennis.
'Ah just as I thought your pennis is to long and heavy it weighs down youre vocal chords. The only thing we can do to cure youre stammer is by removing it and replacing it with a smaller one' the man is a bit put off by this, for he is very proud of his pennis (so much so he playfully calls it his wifes best friend) after much consultation with his wife they both decide that is the only way forward and he has the operation and the stammer is cured.

However he is not able to sexually satisfy his wife in the way he used to be able to before the operation and the wife tells him, she can live with the stammer but she cant live without his old pennis. So she convinces him to go back to the doctor and ask for his old pennis back.

'Doctor' he says I just want to say I am very grateful for the excellant work you have carried out in removing my stammer. I now no longer feel self conscious eveytime I try to speak but my wife is not happy with having to miss out on my old pennis. I am not saying that the pennis you have given me is not a good one, for it functions perfectly well it is just that my wife was very very happy with my old one and she misses it. So doctor would it be possible to have my old pennis back with or without my old stammer?'

To which the doctor replies ' nnnnnnnnnnnnnnno itttttttttttt isnnnnnnnnnnnnnt'