Jokes

Patient : doctor doctor I have got my cock caught in a steering wheel.
Doctor : how did that happen?
Patient : i have no idea but it is driving me nuts.

patient : doctor doctor I have a cricket ball stuck up my arse.
Doctor : how is that?
Patient : now dont you start!

question: what do you do if a bird shits on you're windscreen?
Answer : you never take her out again

the other day a hot blond lass asked if i liked leg or brest i replied im more in too shaved pussyes and anul but that not the answer they looking for in KFC


An Israeli doctor said 'medicine in my country is so advanced,we can take a kidney out of one person,put it in another,and have him looking for work in 6 weeks'.German doctor said 'Thats nothing,we can take a lung from one person,put it in another,and have him looking for work in 4 eweeks'.The English doctor said 'Hah.We can take an arsehole from Scotland,put him in 10 Downing St and have half the country looking for work within 24 hours'.

Dave gets home from working a nightshift and decides to wake his wife by giving her oral sex. He climbs under the bottom of the duvet, gently spreads her legs and licks her pussy until she quivers and cums in his face. He goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds his wife in there, shaving her legs... "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!?!" he yells. "Shhh!" says his wife, "you'll wake your mother!"

the other day I was sitting in a pub having a pint and a meal when a very old women came up to me and said
'if you can guess what is in my pocket you can shag me'
well I was in an awkward position I did not want to hurt her feelings(well brought up lad) nor did I want to shag her, so I came up with as outlandish answer as possible, one that cant possibly be right so I answered 'I dont know, an elephant?'

Imagine my shock when she said close enough lets go!

A man comes back home from working a night shift, he goes straight upstairs creeps into his bed and takes his wife from behind. After he has finished he goes for a shower gets changed then comes down to the kitchen. To his surprise his wife is standing over a stove and there is plenty of sausages, bacon, fried bread, lying on the table he turns to his wife and says 'how on earth did you do all this so quickly?'
she responds'what are you talking about? I have been here for the last hour'
'no you weren't you were having sex with me in the bedroom only 10 minutes ago' the wife stands there shocked
'oh my god, My mother came around just after you left for work and was not feeling very well and since the bed in the spare room is not very comfortable, I said she could use our bed, oh my god you had sex with my mother'.

The husband is to shocked and mortified to react in any way what so ever. The wife goes up to the bedroom and sees her mother lying there as white as the sheets, 'mother why did you not say anything?' to which the mother replies 'I have not spoken to the bastard in fifteen years I was not going to start now!'

Apprently michael owen has been promised he will start the first game in the premiership. Alex Ferguson is reported to have said ' I want him to run his heart out I know he is not match fit and if he does that he will get pulled off at half time'. Owen by all accounts is delighted with this news and was quoted as saying ' this is fantastic news all I got at Newcastle was a crappy orange'

Alex Ferguson appears on Celebrity Who wants to be a millionaire, He is now on a fifty thousand pound question: the question is who lives in a set?a) a badger b)skunk C)fox D) a cuckoo bird.

Ferguson is stumped and asks for a fifty fifty the answers left are a) badger and d) a cuckoo
even now Ferguson is not sure so he phones a friend, from memory he recalls that David Beckham loves watching nature programs so he calls him up and Beckham straight away says badger and Ferguson asks how sure are you?' and Beckham replies '100% boss'( he was his mentor) 'thats good enough for me' replies Ferguson and Beckham is proven right.

The nest day Ferguson is so chuffed and grateful with Beckham He calls him up to Show his grattitude 'so Becks How on earth did you know that a badger lives in a set? to which Beckham replies 'I didn't boss but I knew It could not be a cuckoo that lives in a a clock'

Posh and Becks comes back from america and as soon as they get into the taxi posh falls a sleep and beckham looks out of the window. The cabbie recognises David Beckham 'you're that becks bloke are you not' to which Beckham reponds yes
'delighted to meet you, my wife and I are youre biggest fans'
'thanks very much' says becks
'So have you had a good time in LA?'said the cabbie
'oh very much so' replies beckham 'the night clubs, bars, and resteraunts are superb
there is one bar and english pub in particular,that is absolute top class, great food, great beer, great atmosphere, all at reasonable prices,'
'what is it called'
'cant remember think of a majour london rail station'
cabbie: waterloo?
becks: nah
cabbie: kingscross?
becks: nah
Cabie: marylebone?
beck: nah
cabbie: victoria?
becks : yeah thats it, Victoria what is the name of that english pub in LA?

Apple announced today the launch of a chip to be implanted into womens breasts that plays music. The i-tit will cost £399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them!

Q)How do you know a blondes been using a computer?
A)The Joystick is wet.

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children. The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.

"Nope."

"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.

"Nope."

"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.

"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"

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A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint-my-house."

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
9. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
10. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
11. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
12. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!!