Jokes

Q:What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A: Push it aside and keep on eating...

Q:How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A:Give it a nipple.

Q:Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A:When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q:How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A:Marry it.

Q:What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A:Gagged.

Q:What is the definition of "making love"?
A:Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q:How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A:Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

A landlord is doing the rounds in a pub where he notices a man sitting on his own with a duck billed platypus, He is so stunned by this he asks 'him what is that 'and the man responds 'it is a dick billed platypus'
'I know it is but what sort of pet is that?' to which the man responds 'you will be very surprised it is a great pet, it is loyal affectionate and gives the most incredible blow jobs you can imagine' the landlord is stunned and responds excuse me? to which the customer answers they give incredible blow jobs. 'you're winding me up,’
‘Not at all if you like you can borrow it for a night and if you like it you give me 1000 quid if not you give it back to me no charge' the publican is indignant at this’ I cant do that i am a respectable member of the community I would lose my reputation in the community over night.’ The customer reassures him that he sees it as a business arrangement as such will remain strictly confidential between the customer and the landlord.

Since the landlord is comforted by the fact that his wife is away at her mothers, he tries out the duck billed platypus at his home and finds out to his delight the duck billed platy puss gives blow jobs even better then his customer said. So next day he meets up with his customer gives him a Grande and at the end of the day he goes home with the duck billed platypus tucked under his arm. His wife is back from her mother’s, so he puts the duck billed platypus on the table. the wife turns to him and says ‘what on earth is that?'
'a duck billed platypuss'
'I know that but what do want me to do with it?'
to which the husband responds ‘teach it to wash cook and iron and then piss off'

4 ladies are playing golf, and are waiting to tee off when out of no where a streaker in a balaclava stands right in front of them dangles his dick and says'hey ladies why dont you use this club instead? it's plenty big enough!'

The tone of voice sounds familar to all of them so the first lady goes up to the streaker has a close look at his cock and says 'no I thought it might be my husband but on closer inspection it isnt' Two of the other ladies do exactly the same and come to the same verdict as the first.
The last lady looks at his cock closely and says 'no it is definitely not my husband and I tell you another thing, he is not even a member of this club'.

When George W Bush was in office there was an incident which the White House kept quite. The incident was this.
George W Bush wakes up one morning pull back the curtains and looks out of the window and sees that some one has peed in the snow George W Bush is a complete wanker. Naturally George W Bush is outraged by this so he gets the FBI and CIA to investigate how such a breech of security could have taken place.

A few days later the head of FBI tells George W Bush' we have some good news and bad news'. The good news sir is that we have found the culprit he is being held in custody as we speak'
'So what is the bad news then?'
'the bad news sir is that forensic evidence has proven that It was your wife’s handwriting'.

A man and woman are getting divorced. While together he gave her blood. He says I want my blood back. She throws him a tampon and says I'll pay you monthly!


Cliff richard,kevin wilson and gary glitter were on a plane bound for australia.just as they were approaching land the captain announced that there was a problem and they weren't going to make land, but not to worry because they were going to ditch in the sea and there was already a rescue helicopter on it's way. at this cliff richard jumped up and shouted "hey, save the kids first" "FUCK THE KIDS" shouted kevin wilson,and gary glitter said "ooh do you think we've got time."

Inventions rejected by the Patent Office

Inflatable dartboard
Roll on air freshener
Boil in the bag ice cream
Glow in the dark sundial
Non stick tape
Lead free pencil
Banana straightener
Glass hammer
Cast iron pin cushion

sorry if this 1s been done,i only quickly browsed these pages,some great jokes.heres mine.

an eskimo,s car breaks down and the engineer at the garage says"looks like yuv blown a seal"
to which the eskimo replies no! "its snow in my beard"

what do you call an egyptian taxi driver ?
..Tootandcomeoot !

an englishman emigrates to australia,but on his first night down the local watering hole the ausies are right taking the piss,but he soon wins them over,when one asks.what dya do for work then mate?
the englishman tells them he,s a taxidermist.
the ausies look puzzled and ask whats that then?
englishman replies"i stuff dead animals
then all tha ausies cheer,struth mate yur alright
yur one of us then

whats the difference between a light on and a hard on?
you can go to sleep with the light on