Jokes

three mates have been out on the piss till the early hours and decide to crash at the closest mates house
in the living room,they notice a huge gong is taking up most of the room.so one mate asks.whats this?
to the reply of its my speaking clock.speaking clock!how does that work then?
so there mate picks up a large hammer and thacks the gong 3 times
when it goes quiet he says listen,and several voices down the street bellow out
fucking hell,shut the fuck up,dont you know its 3 in the morning

Two lunatics escape from the asylum through the roof, they climb out and run across the rooftop until they come to the edge. The first lunatic takes a massive leap onto the roof of the next building, the second lunatic hesitates:-

Lunatic 1 - "come on, jump!"
Lunatic 2 - "I'll never make it!"
Lunatic 1 - "I've got a torch here I'm gonna shine it across the gap and you can walk over to this side on the beam of light!"
Lunatic 2 - "Are you crazy?....you'd turn it off when I got halfway across!"

bloke with severe hair loss goes to his doctor
doctor yuv gotta help me.im going bald
the doctor said there wasnt much he could do
but said he should try rubbing fanny juice on his head
one month later the bloke goes back to the docs
still complaining,doc says but it worked for me
patient says fuck off mate yur balder than i am
to which the doc replies,yeah but look at my lovely moustache

bloke rushes into a pub and says to the bartender
10 double whiskeys as quick as you can
the barman quickly pours them out
then watches amazed as the bloke knocks em back in less than a minute
slow down mate the barman says
to which the wino replies,yud drink like that if yud got what i have
barman says why what have you got?
wino retorts.50p

a newly married couple turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite
do you have any reservations?inquires the receptionist
only one replies the groom,she wont take it up the shitter

a man is sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt
he is unable to stop staring and realises shes not wearing panties
the blonde sees him and asks if he,s looking at her pussy
yes,sorry.i,ll look away he says
its ok says the woman im very talented, watch this i,ll make it blow you a kiss
the gobsmacked bloke asks if she can do anything else
i can make it wink,and the fella stares as it winks at him
come sit next to me the woman says,quick as a flash hes beside her
would you like me to stick a couple of fingers in she asks
stunned,the man replies"fuck me! can it whistle too?"

sorry an oldie,yuv prob already heard

a village vicar kept a few chickens and a cockerel in a henhouse behind the church
but one night the cockerel goes missing,suspecting fowl play[pun intended]
he starts to question the parishioners in church next day
he asks the congregation,has anybody got a cock?all the men stand up
no no,he said thats not what i meant,has anybody seen a cock?all the woman stand up
no,he said,that wasnt what i meant either
has anybody seen a cock that doesnt belong to them?half the woman stand up
no,i,ll try one more time,has anybody seen my cock?
then all the nuns,three altar boys,two priests and a goat stand up

This one...?
Little johnny bursts into his parents bedroom in the morning and declares: Nanny's asleep in the chair, her dressing gown is open and she's got a prawn between her legs....!
his mum is shocked at the rude awakening and escorts him downstairs to establish what exactly is going on.
When they get down, he points to his nan's bits and says "there, look a prawn!"
Johnny's mother says "no son, thats called a - clitoris"
He replies " well it tastes like a prawn!"

The pope wakes one day with a massive morning glory and it just won't go down. He calls a council with his closest advisors who after much deliberation declare that he should probably clear the demons from the house- "crack one off" to release the pressure.
BUT as this is such hallowed ground in the vatican, he must do it in the gardens somewhere...
The pope goes off, finds a quiet spot in the huge garden and goes at it with a furious pace... A little while later, a japanese tourist comes around the corner taking pictures at random and snaps his holiness on the vinigar strokes.
The pope summons his council quickly and they decide to buy the tourists silence by offering him a million pounds to say nothing and give them the camera, of course he accepts and hands it over.

The pope then took the million pound camera on a state visit to the UK looking after it religously (he he) and met Gordon Brown.
After shaking hands, Gordon notices the camera around his neck and says "thats a very nice camera, where did you get it and how much did it cost?"
Unable to lie, the pope replies " A japanese gentleman sold it to me for a million pounds"
Gordon replies "He saw you coming!"

Books to read

Murder and Mystery by Hugh Dunnett
My Most Embarrassing Moment by Lucy Lasteck
The Twilight Years by Jerry Atterick
A Trip To The Dentist by Lord Howitt-Hertz

More funny names

A Cock and Hustler story
Omer Bhatti