Jokes

a fella walks into a pub,puts his pet rabbit on the bar and starts drinking
while he,s drinking his pint the rabbits crapping all over the bar
after he leaves,another bloke,a gobshite walks in
he orders drinks,but after a while the landlord is getting well pissed off with him
finally he spots the rabbit shit.hey landlord what are these he asks
smart pills replies the landlord
gobshite says can i have some?help yourself
so the bloke pops a few in his mouth and chews for a while
then spits them out,fuck they taste like shit he exclaims
the landlord smiles and says"see, yur getting smarter already"

an old lady is going by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat
as she boards,she whispers to the driver"i have a dead pussy"
the driver points to woman in the seat behind him and says
"sit with my wife.you two have a lot in common"

in a pub in ireland little paddy is knocking back the stout when he notices a big jar of money on the bar
how much is in there he asks the landlord,£2,000 is the reply and the person who can complete 3 challenges wins it
what are they enquires the little man,landlord replies "first of all,see big murphy over there he has to be beaten in a fight"
secondly "ive got a rottweiler in the cellar thats got a bad tooth thats gotta come out"
and thirdly,"theres on old lady upstairs whos 100 years old and still a virgin,shes gotta be broken in"
after a couple more stouts little paddy exclaims"i,ll do it"
quick as a flash he dashes over to big murphy and nuts him square on the nose and murphy goes down,he,s out cold
then he heads for the cellar and for 40 minutes you hear him screaming and the dog growling
he arrives back to the bar covered in blood with shreded clothes
and asks "right wheres the old lady that needs a tooth pulled

an old italian mafia don is dying and calls his grandson to his bedside
"grandson"i wanta you yo listen to me
i wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol,so you will always remember me
"but grandpa i really dont like guns,how about you leaving me your rolex instead?"
you listen to me you stupida fuck
some day your goina runna da bussiness
you goina have a beautiful wife,lotsa money
a biga home and maybe a couple of bambino
some day you goina come home and maybe
finda your wife in bed with another man
whata you goina do then?
pointa to you fuckina watch and say,TIMES UP.

a funeral service is being held for a woman who had just passed away
at the end of the service,the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they bump into the wall,jarring the coffin
they hear a faint moan inside and find the woman is still alive
she lives on for 10 more years then dies
once again a ceremony is held and at the end of it
the pall bearers are again carrying the casket
as they are nearing the door,the husband cries out
watch that fucking wall

advert found in lonely hearts column

a tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who aprreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

but please only read lines 1, 3 and 5

in the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting-room, where their family member lay gravely ill. finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "i'm afraid i am the bearer of bad news", he replied as he surveyed the worried faces. "the only hope for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. it's an experimental procedure, highly risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." the family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. at length, someone asked, "well, how much does a brain cost?" the doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a female brain, and $200 for a male brain". there was an awkward silence. women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. a girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question that everyone wanted to ask, "why does the female brain cost so much more?" the doctor smiled at the girl's question and then said to the entire group, "it's a standard pricing procedure. we have to mark the male brains down, because they're used".

apparently in yorkshire and areas of manchester the makers of fairy liquid are about to run a new advert. it's on the same basic format:

small child: "mummy, why are your hands so soft?"
mother: "because i'm twelve, darling!"

a man had tickets to the FA cup final - absolutely the best tickets that you can get. as he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "no" he says. the seat is empty. "this is incredible," says the other man. "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the cup final and not turn up?" the first man says, "well actually the seat belongs to me. i was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. this is the first cup final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1977." "oh...that's terrible, i'm really sorry to hear that. but couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour - to take the seat?" the man shakes his head. "no. they're all at the funeral."

dave walks ito the gents toilets and positions himself at the urinal
just then a man with no arms comes up to him and says
"excuse me,could you give me a hand please?"
though it makes him feel incomfortable,dave agrees to help
and unzips the mans trousers.then taking a deep breath he takes out the mans winky
which,to his horror is green and mouldy.thinking of the bonus he,ll get on judgement day
he gives it a shake and puts it back for the man.
thanks the man says,dave replies"no worries"but tell me whats wrong with your cock?
the bloke pulls his arms from his sleeves and says "im fucked if i know,but i aint touching it"