Jokes

My iron just died... rest in crease...

Lady goes into A&E with a Henry Hoover pipe stuck between her legs
Having come out of surgery the doctors have said they had success
She's picking up nicely .....

Did you know 157% of people exaggerate statistics?...

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy...

I went to get my palm read the other day, the lady took my hand and began looking at my lines then announced "you wank alot don't you" Shocked.. I said "Well yes-but how did you know that?" She looked up at me and said "You've got cum in your beard"

A white horse goes into a pub and asks for a whiskey.

We have a whiskey named after you says the barman

You have a whiskey called George ? Replies the horse.

Jokes

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip around.


In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going
to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter,
the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Darrell walks into his doctor's office and the receptionist gives him a form to fill out and asks him what his problem is.

Darrell replied, I've got something wrong with my cock."

"Please watch your language!" scolds the receptionist,"There are women and children in the waiting room."

Darrell leaves the office, only to return a few minutes later and said to the receptionist, "I've got a problem with my ear."

"Now that's much better," says the receptionist. "Whats wrong with your ear?"

"I can't piss out of it!"

One day, a man walked into the dentist"s office for some dental work.
The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?"
The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."
The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller."
The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."
The dentist said, "Sir, I"m telling you, use a painkiller."
The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."
The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"

The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life"

The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"
The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."