Jokes

A Girls First Time


As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Excuse me, What were you thinkin’?

Naughty, Naughty!

Girl walks into the pub and orders two tequilas, downs one and chucks the other into the front of her panties! Barman says "What the hell are you doing?!" She relpies: "I just won the lotto and that's the only cunt I'm sharing it with!"

I stayed up all all night wondering where the sun went.

Then all of a sudden it dawned on me.

An indian on the reservation walks into the trading post. The clerk says "What can I do for you chief?" Indian says "Ugh, me need toilet paper." The clerk says "Well, we have a few different kinds which would you like?" Indian asks "What you got?" "Well, we have this first brand here, it's soft, strong and absorbent. It's $2.98 for four rolls." "Ugh, too much wampum. What else you got?" "We have this other brand it's not as soft, but it's pretty absorbant, it costs $1.98 for four rolls." Ugh, too much wampum, what else you got?" "Well, we have this generic stuff, it's not a real good quality, but it's only $.98 for four rolls." Chief says "What generic mean?" Well. that means it doesn't really have a name." "Ugh, me take it. Me name toilet paper." A couple weeks later, Chief walks into the trading post. The clerk sees him and asks "So chief, did you name that toilet paper?" "Ugh, me call it John Wayne toilet paper." "Well why did you name it something like that?" "Because it rough and tough, and it don't take no shit off injun!"

A boss asked one of his employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?'
'Yes, sir,' replied the new employee.
'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.'


Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew

Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt

Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Shoutout to people who don't know what the opposite of in is!

My friend was annoying me with bird puns but toucan play this game...

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid but my parents told me the sky was the limit...

I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back...

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"