Jokes

Quickly, get me to the equine hospital, and don't spare the horses!

What do you get if you cross George Formby and Eddie Murphy? "Turned out nice again, Mother Fuckers!

A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with him and place your left hand on the afflicted area."
The man, who has dozed off, has his left hand on his crotch.
and his wife looks over at him and says, "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere.
Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said, "St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"
St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn''t make it to Heaven."
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?"
"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''

If you think SEVEN years of Bad Luck is too much for breaking a Mirror....




Try breaking a Condom

I have just changed the password on my computer to incorrect.

Now what ever I type in, my computer will tell me, your password is incorrect.

I tried to change the password to "mypenis" but the computer said it was too short.

Whatever you are doing, always give 100%

Unless you are donating blood.

When I see lovers names carved on a tree, unlike some people I don't find it romantic.

Instead I find it quite disturbing how many people take a knife with them on a date.

Black Beauty, now there's a dark horse!
Velcro, what a rip off!
I've got a sponge door, don't knock it!

With thanks to Tim Vine!