Jokes

I've got a chicken proof lawn....

It's impeccable!

Fred goes into a pub
"Oi Charlie I had a curry last night"
"Any god mate?"
"Yeah, you'll hear it in a minute!"

Three American surgeons playing a round of golf and they start boasting about certain operations they've performed over the years............
1st surgeon - I remember a top athlete who lost both his legs and one arm and I managed to refit them and he went on to win 2 gold medals at the Olympics!!
2nd surgeon - That's nothing, I had a concert pianist who lost 7 fingers in an accident and I refitted them all. A year later he played to a full Albert Hall in front of the Queen to a standing ovation!!
3rd surgeon - You guys are just amateurs. A guy was brought into me who was high on cocaine and marijuana. He had stolen a horse and rode hell for leather and ended up on a rail track where he was hit by a train travelling at 80mph. All I had to work with was the guys blonde hair and the horses ass - this guy is now running for the presidency of the United States!!!

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done!

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, "goal!".

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "it's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "goal! 1 - 1 ..."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 2 to 1"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "goal, 2 - 2 ."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, " goal, I lead 3 - 2 ." Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

An octopus walks into a pub and announces that he can play any instrument the punters want him to try. A chap gives him a guitar and says go on then impress us. The octopus fiddles around for a minute then starts playing the guitar just like Eric Clapton. The punters show their approval. Another chap walks up to the octopus and gives him a trumpet. The octopus fiddles for a few seconds, puts his lips to it and the sound that comes out is as good as Dizzy Gillespie, again the punters show their approval. Next a Scotsman walks up and says go on then try these out and hands the octopus a set of bagpipes. The octopus fiddles around with them for a minute and glances up to the Scotsman with a look of confusion .Ha ha says the Scotsman I didn't think you would be able to play them. The octopus looks up at him and says "My good sir once I manage to remove her tartan mini skirt i'm gonna fuck the arse off her!"

I bought some boots of a drug dealer last week.
Don't know what he laced them with but I've been
tripping ever since!

Man walks into a saloon and orders a whiskey.

Barman: "Do you drink your whiskey neat?"

Customer: "Not always -- sometimes I have me shirt hanging out."

So I got a job at Burger King and Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in.
He said, give me 2 Whoppers.
I said, you're good looking and your musicals are great!

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.

Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

Pay your electric bill in pennies.

Drive to work in reverse.

Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.

Polish your car with earwax.

Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

Braid the hairs in each nostril.

Write a short story using alphabet soup.

Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.