Jokes

The Mrs says I'm tight, so to prove her wrong we went out for tea & biscuits.
It was quite exciting as she's never given blood before!

My Mrs was sat at the table counting all her 5ps and 10ps when all of a sudden she got very angry and then started crying and shouting for no reason.......
I thought to myself... "She's going through the change.

A man goes to a bar and says to the bartender “Give me a double whiskey.” The guy takes his drink, slams it down, and says “Give me another.” The bartender says “What’s the matter mate?” The guy says “I just found out my youngest son is gay.” Two days later the guy is back at the bar and orders a double, slams it down and asks for another. The bartender asks again, “What’s the matter now?” The guy says “I just found out my oldest son is gay.” Two days later the guy is back, this time he asks for the bottle. The bartender asks, “Jesus, doesn’t anyone in your family like pussy?” He exclaims, “YEAH, MY WIFE!”

A Lion, a Witch and a Wardrobe walk into a bar,
Barman says, "Get outta here, I'm not serving you lot, Narnia!"

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!

Q: What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
A: Decalfeinated.

Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

I don't understand why people are so harsh on Lance Armstrong, when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike!

My best mate always says fight fire with fire, which is probably why he got chucked out the fire brigade!

All my family are police marksman apart from my uncle who was a bank robber, at least he died surrounded by his family!

They've always said to my aunt " You can dish it out, but you can't take it". Its true, she's a dinner lady with a food allergy!

people keep saying Usain Bolt is the fastest man in the world, I can easily finish in less than 9 seconds... and only using one hand... where's my gold medal?

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after his house burnt down

My friend suggested I get a donor card.

He is a man after my own heart.

I dialled 999 and said "Two girls are fighting over me." "Well what's the problem?" asked the operator.

"The fat ones winning." I replied.