Jokes

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea..

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filledwith water, and in the waterfloated, of all things, a condom!!

When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strangefloater, but soon it got the better of himand he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I foundthis little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

quality stuff paddyfrank ,the last one especially,thanks

paddy goes into a brothel steaming drunk looking for some loving, but to his horror he only has a fiver in his pocket.
He says to the madame that he will take anything...
The madame leads him through the building passing by various open rooms with decreasingly good looking girls. They get to the end of the corridor to a closed door which she opens, revealing a dark room.
She ushers him in and closes the door.
Paddy hears an angelic voice say "come over here lover..."
He cant see anything so finds a light switch and turns it on, revealing to his amazement a stunning brunette naked on the bed.
Paddy says " I only have a fiver here, is that ok?"
"thats fine my lover" she replies...
"Can I go down on you too ?" he asks "your pussy looks sooo tasty"
"That would be nice " she replies.

Paddy is going at it hammer and tounges when a pea pops out of her fanny, he thinks it a little unusual but keeps going anyway. A couple of minutes later, he has a bit of carrot pop out and into his mouth. He carries on undettered until a piece of sweetcorn comes out aswell.

Now put off, he asks "far be it from me to complain, but are you by any chance sick?"
"No" she replies, "but the bloke before you was !"

a bloke walking thru a red light district sees a sign on a door saying
get your singing blowjob here only £30,see the madam inside for details
he is intrigued but passes by
two days later he,s down the same street and again sees the sign
this time he,s got some cash and feeling in the mood for a blowie
plus its been on his mind of how anyone can give a singing blowjob
so he steps inside and asks the madam
"id like a singing blowjob"
certainly sir,"but we have to keep the light off"
shit he thinks to himself but goes thru with it
its one of the best blows he,s ever had
but all the time the lady is in perfect voice
in the end it gets the better of him and he quickly flicks the light on
he just has to see how this can be done
the light goes on
and he sees a glass eye on the table

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod!

little boy catches his mum and dad screwing
what are you doing?"he asks"
"were trying to make you a baby brother or sister"his father says
little boy replies"cant you do her doggy style,id rather have a puppy"

little boy says to his mum"is the lady next door some sort of robot?"
of course not,"why did you ask?"his mum replies
son says"its just that i heard dad say he,d like to screw the arse off her"

Definition of a blonde - A Redhead with the fire fucked out of her!

OLDIE:
A man gets shipwrecked and ends up on a deserted island. There is a mountain, trees and fruit galore,so he manages to survive. he is however alone and when the urge takes him, he takes to shagging a palm tree with a vagina shaped hole in it...
All in all he spends 15 years on the island living peacefully with nature.
One day a passing cruise ship stops nearby and a small boat approaches from it. When the boat lands, a beautiful blonde gets out and is shocked to see someone on the island.
He tells her the story of what happened and she reveals that she has just come from Hugh Heffner's boat which is full of models. She asks how he has got by for so long and he reveals all... including the bit with the palm tree.
Sensing that he must be really horny for the real thing, she strips off and offers herself to him, saying "would you like to fuck me instead?"
Of course he says yes, strips off and takes a run at her, kicking her hard, square in the fanny!
She Screams in agony and says "what the fuck did you do that for?"
"Oh, sorry" he says, "just checking for squirrels!"

A couple of blokes stumble into a brand new brothel in the town and get intruduced to the new "menu style" services. Each service costs more that the last and have strange names.
The blokes dont wish to appear ignorant, so the first one orders the "Fritter" and is ushered off to a room. Fifteen minutes later, he emerges with a huge grin telling his mate that the girl put a pineapple ring on his cock, then poured honey all over it and licked and sucked it all off till he came, nearly taking her eye out!

The second guy wants more and goes for the "sundae". He comes out 5 minutes later looking very dissapointed. his mate wants to know what happened so he tells him. "well, she put a pineapple ring on my cock, squirted cream over it, poured on some strawberry sauce and finally covered the lot with chocolate shavings and a cherry on top".

"That sounds great" says the first guy, "what went wrong?"
Second bloke- "It looked so good, I ate it myself"