Jokes

(04-08-2009 21:47 )85stevewest Wrote:  a bloke walking thru a red light district sees a sign on a door saying
get your singing blowjob here only £30,see the madam inside for details
he is intrigued but passes by
two days later he,s down the same street and again sees the sign
this time he,s got some cash and feeling in the mood for a blowie
plus its been on his mind of how anyone can give a singing blowjob
so he steps inside and asks the madam
"id like a singing blowjob"
certainly sir,"but we have to keep the light off"
shit he thinks to himself but goes thru with it
its one of the best blows he,s ever had
but all the time the lady is in perfect voice
in the end it gets the better of him and he quickly flicks the light on
he just has to see how this can be done
the light goes on
and he sees a glass eye on the table

I don't get it?

Classic Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman joke.

Englishman, Scottishman & Irishman are all out shoppping for Xmas presents for their wives. They all go into a shop and agree on buying their wives two things each so that if they don't like one present then they must like the other.

Englishman goes around the shop and comes back with a pair of slippers and a pair of shoes. Scottishman goes around the shop and comes back with a nice new dress and a bunch of flowers. Irishman goes around the shop and comes back with a cuttlery set and a dildo. Both shocked as to why he has bought his wife a dildo, the Englishman & Scottishman ask why he has bought her it?

The Irishman explains "Well if she don't like the cuttlery set, she can go fuck herself!"

Another one.

Englishman, Scottishman & Irishman have are in the middle of robbing a bank when the alarms are raised and they hear police sirens. They all run out of the bank and hide in three sacks in a little alley around the corner.

Later on, the police are checking around the scene to try and find the robbers and walk into the alley where they are all hiding. The policeman walks up the sack with the Englishman in it and kicks it, to which the Englishman goes "woof" - Policeman walks onto the next sack thinking it must be a dog. The policeman then walks along to the sack with the Scottishman in it and kicks it and hears a "meow" - Policeman again walks along to the next sack thinking it must a cat. The policeman now walks across to the last sack with the Irishman in it and kicks it to which the Irishman goes "potatoes".

(06-08-2009 07:21 )D-BOI-92 Wrote:  

(04-08-2009 21:47 )85stevewest Wrote:  a bloke walking thru a red light district sees a sign on a door saying
get your singing blowjob here only £30,see the madam inside for details
he is intrigued but passes by
two days later he,s down the same street and again sees the sign
this time he,s got some cash and feeling in the mood for a blowie
plus its been on his mind of how anyone can give a singing blowjob
so he steps inside and asks the madam
"id like a singing blowjob"
certainly sir,"but we have to keep the light off"
shit he thinks to himself but goes thru with it
its one of the best blows he,s ever had
but all the time the lady is in perfect voice
in the end it gets the better of him and he quickly flicks the light on
he just has to see how this can be done
the light goes on
and he sees a glass eye on the table

I don't get it?

its a bit sick,he was shaging her eye socket

englishman,irishman,and scotsman are in a plane together
when the chap from scotland proudly announces that he can tell whever he is in the world by putting his hand out of the window
bollocks is the reply from the other two
i,ll prove the happy highlander says,watch this
his arm goes out the window,and he says the airs cooling,id say were over iceland
the pilot confirms and the other two are impressed

a little later the irishman says bet i could do that
he waves his arm out of the window
and says,the airs warming up i bet were over the uk now
and the pilot confirms it

not wanting to be outdone the enlishman says
i,ll have a go then,sticks his arm out the window and says
im gonna tell you two what county of the uk were flying over
i think were flying over cambs,and the pilpt confirms
wait says the englishman i can go better than that
were over wisbech,and the pilot says he,s impressed
how the hell did you know that they all ask
some fuckers just nicked my watch the englishman retorts

THE ONLY CLEAN JOKE I KNOW:
(and you've probably all heard it before...)
It's friday afternoon and a bloke gets home from a bad day at work after being demoted... and there's a dear johnny letter on the fridge, so now he's demoralised AND alone.
He goes to the pub to see his mates and they suggest he gets himself a pet - prefferably a puppy, coz as man's best friend they give unconditional love...
He looks at his watch and rushes off to the pet shop, arriving just as the shop is about to close thus avoiding spending the weekend on his tod.
He says to the pet shop manager "thank goodness I caught you in time! Can I have a look at your puppy section please?"

"I'm sorry," says the manager " I'm fresh out of puppies..."

Man "...Do you have any Kittens then?"

Manager "Ooh, I sold the last one this morning..."

Man "... Ok, a Parrot, you must have a Parrot...!"

Manager " Sorry Sir, We don't stock Parrots anymore, but I really need to be getting home soon... to be honest, the only thing I have left is this centipede !

Man " A Centipede ? What good is a Centipede to anyone as a pet ?"

Manager " Well obviously this is no ordinary centipede sir, it's a brand new species that can talk, and because of their multiple limbs, they're very helpful around the house. Whats more, they're on trial, so you can take it now and come back Monday to pay, or return it if you're not completely satisfied... But I really have to close the shop now."

Man " WHAT? A talking centipede ? Ok then, just give it here if that's all you've got..."
He takes the little box and heads home where he opens it up and lets the centipede out...

Centipede " Whew, thats better, I've been stuck in that litttle box for nearly a week now...!"

Man " WOW, You really can talk, I'm amazed !"

Centipede " That's nothing, I can do all sorts, try me..."

Man " Ok then, Fetch my slippers please...
The centipede goes off and comes back a short while later with his slippers, putting them on the mans feet for him...

Man " Thank you, could you make me a cup of tea please, I've had a miserable day and would love a cuppa..."

Centipede " No problem..."
The centipede comes back and says " Sorry, theres no milk in the fridge "

Man, cheekily " If I give you a pound, could you nip down to the corner shop and get a pint...?"

Centipede "Yes, no problem "
The man gives the centipede the pound and it goes off quick as a flash.

Half an hour goes by and the man gets a little worried about the little centipede out on the street so he goes into the kitchen to get out the back door and look for it.
But, when he opens the door, the centipede is right there, at the back door...
"What are you still doing here? You've been gone for half an hour and you havent left the house yet !" Says the man.
Centipede " Give me chance to get my boots on... !"

Sorry, It is an oldie...

Q- How many dogs does it take to paint a wall red?


A- One if you throw it hard enough.

a chap from scotland is geting married.and he wants to buy a new kilt
at the shop.he tells the assistant hes getting married and wants to do so in a kilt
the assistant asks"whats your tartan?"
to which the chap replies"oh,she can wear whatever she wants"

a man said to his wife"i had a wet dream about you last night"
"aww did you?"his wife replies
he says"yes,i dreamt you were hit by a bus
and i pissed myself laughing"

What do you call an irish man who's in your garden dressed as a knome?

Paddy o furniture.

(sorrt if its a repost, made me laugh)