Jokes

How do you make a Cat Bark ?
Douse in petrol and light - WOOF

How do you make a Dog Meaow ?
Freeze it, then put it through a bandsaw - MEAOOOOOWWW

Whats got two legs and bleeds...?
half a dog

How does a blind man know when to pull his shute ?
when the lead goes slack

Whats the difference between menstrual flow and concrete ?
you cant eat a concrete butty

How many pshyciatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
only one, but the lightbulb must want to change

haha quality.cheers stevesworld and all you other excellent joke tellers
great idea for a thread oopnorth

why do woman have foreheads?
so men have a place to kiss them after a blow job

whats the difference between pms and cjd?
one attacks the cows brain and sends it mental
the other is an agricultural problem

how can you tell a macho woman?
she rolls her own tampons

checklist for a happy marriage

1:find a woman who cooks and cleans
2:find a woman who makes good money
3:find a woman that likes to have sex
4:it is important that these three woman never meet

a bloke is at the dentist for a checkup
as the dentist leans over he says
"i see you had oral sex this morning?"
"how did you know?"says the bemused chap
"was it the smell of my breath?"he asks
"no"says the dentist
"well,do i have a pubic stuck in my teeth?"
"no" not that either
"well how do you know then?"
"easy,theres some shit on the end of your nose"

two elderly ladies meet at a launderette after not seeing each other in ages
after some friendly hello,s one asks the other how her husband is doing
"oh,ted died last week.he went to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner
had a heart attack and dropped dead in the middle of the garden"
"oh dear,im sorry to hear that"replied her friend
"what did you do?"
"i was devastated,but luckily i had a tin of peas in the pantry"

A nun gets into a cab....

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."

The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."

"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.

"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"

"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

A guy walks into an elevator....

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

What do you call a man with a one inch penis......Justin.

Selling broken tennis racket for £50. No strings attatched.