Jokes

My wife said that my penis closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark, until I asked her why her sister still had bad breath.

The wife said she's had enough of my Star Wars "bullshit" and wants to end our marriage... Divorce is strong in this one!

I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging. Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank. I gave her a right mouthful!

My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.

He's got back issues.

Be careful driving today, conditions are bad! Just came off the road & hit a Chelsea fan It took me 2 fields & a golf course, but I got him!

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

I went to the chip shop and asked for a jumbo sausage. The bloke said "it won't be long" I said "it better be!"