Jokes

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a  cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's  milk.  The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos.   They  start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest  son, Mujibar.   He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I  remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though."  the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...''  says the other.

''And this is my second  son, Khalid.   He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the  other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was  born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother  quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the  other.

''And this is my third son.   My  baby.   My beautiful Ahmed.   He would have been 18'', she  whispers.

"Yes," says the friend  enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started  school....''

''He's a martyr also,'' says  the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After  a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at  the photographs and, searching for the right words, says .  .



"They blow up so fast, don't  they?"

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. 'The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. 'Oh, no, ' he says, 'My brothers are fine. Its just I've quit drinking!

I remember when you went to a newsagent with £1 and left with 2 bags of crisps, a chocolate bar and a magazine. Nowadays, CCTV everywhere!

Wife: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective, we should split up.

Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way!

I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password "Have some respect for the dead!" he said I replied "Is that all lower case?"

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner... So I took the battery out of the smoke detector!

I've been married three times and I think it was very big o' me to take on that responsibility...

Got fired today. First day on the job as a masseur. Apparently the instruction to 'finish on her face' didn't mean what I thought it meant!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Australian? he thought he was from USA

I went to the doctor's for my football Tourette's, I kept telling him to shut the F.A. cup...