Jokes

kylie minogue,elton john,and robbie williams are walking along the street
when kylie trips,falls forward and traps her head in some railings.
robbie,quick as a flash pulls her knickers down and bangs her senseless from behind.
smacking her tight little arse he turns to elton and says
"your turn mate
elton starts crying,"whats wrong?"asks robbie.
elton sobs,"my head wont fit in the railings"

a man and his wife are driving home from visiting friends one evening
when they hit a badger in the road,they stop to find the badger hurt but alive
the man brings it back to the car and says to the mrs
"put it between your legs to warm it up,its freezing"
she says"but its wet and it stinks"
hubby replies"well hold its bloody nose then"

An irishman has just moved into the niegbourhood in England and goes to his local bar one sunday afternoon. He orders three pints of guiness and sits in the corner of the bar and drinkes alone. He comes to the bar and orders another 3 pints of guiness and the publican refuses. 'sorry sir I will not do that I like my guiness as much as you do and I know for a fact that guiness if not drunk within 3 quarters of an hour gets very sickly and turns into black tar. I pride my self on my ability to serve drinks to the highest standard. I will give you one pint and if you cant be bothered with the hassle of coming over to the bar everytime you want to drink just hold your glass up and someone will bring your guiness over to your table'
the irish man replies' oh its not that I have two very close friends who I grew up with and known for over 45 years. Unfortunately due to huge recession to the Irish economy we all had to leave Ireland for work. One of my friends went to Australia, the other America and myself here. We promised not to let distance get in the way of our friendship so we agreed no matter where we were we would all on sunday afternoon go to the local pub and have a drink to each other'.
The landlord is touched by this so promptly gives him his three pints of guiness to drink to his friends. The Irishman becomes very popular at the local pub so much so that one day he comes into his local pubs and orders 2 pints of guiness, the barman is motified he belives that an untimely death has happened to one of the very likeable irishmans friends, and just pours him the pints in a very sombre mood.

After being torn between just letting it go or comforting his customer for a couple of hours, he decides to comfort the likeable irishman. He goes up to the irishman and asks'do you want to talk about it?'
'talk about what?'
'your friends death'
'none of my friends has died what are you talking about?'
'well you only ordered two pints this time'
'oh that' replies the irishman'its nothing like that I have just given up drinking'

two drug dealers are accused and found guilty of drug dealing.
'you have been found guilty of this heinous crime but the prisons are so over crowded I am going to give the pair of you a chance to get off with a suspended sentance. I want you to go away and come back to me this time next week with news of how many people you have converted off drugs. If i am happy with your performance I will let you off with a suspended sentance. Off you go' says the judge.

The drug dealers come back in front of the judge. The judge turns to the first one and says' right how many people have you converted off drugs than?'
'100 your honour'
'my that is impressive for a weeks work what did you do'
'I went to lots of schools and derelict areas as well as drugs rehab centers and I showed them this' he gets a piece of paper out on it are
O and a small. 'I told them that big O is the size of their brain before they take drugs small dot is the size of their brain after.'
'my that is impressive. Ok you are free to go but remember you are on a suspended sentance'
The judge turns to the other drug dealer and says 'right how many people have you converted off drugs?'
'about 10,000 your honour'
'my word that is phenomenal how did you do that?'
he gets out a piece of paper with a small . and O on it.
'let me guess the big O is the size of your brain before you take drugs and the small dot is the size after' says the judge
'no your honour I went to all the same places as my colleague went to except I told them the small dot is the size of their arsehole before they go to prison the big O is the size after'

i thought i'd add a few (shit) jokes in here.

Q. how do you know your room-mates gay?
A. his dick tastes like shit

Q. what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. full

Q. why is cunnilingus like the mafia?
A. one slip of the tounge and your in deep shit

A deaf judge is presiding over a case and says to the defendant 'you have been found guilty of this heinous crime, before I pass sentance is there anything you might want to say?'
'absolute fuck all' replies the defendant
'what did he just say to me?'said the judge to the clerk of the court
'absolute fuck all my lord' replied the clerk
'thats funny I could have sworn I saw his lips move' says the deaf judge.

Here's an oldie... not for the faint hearted !
18 year old girl passes her driving test and can't wait to get out on the road with her mates, only problem, no car. She asks her Stepdad if she can borrow the car to take her girlfreinds to the movies. Her stepdad agrees, but on the condition that she give him a blowjob.

She is Horrified and says no-way. He tells her that if she really wants to use the car, she knows where he is, with a standing offer... The next day the girl goes to her stepdad and pleads with him to lend her the car as it's friday night and a new film is out... He tells her again that all she needs to do is suck on his cock and she can take the car for the night !

Finally, she agrees, desperate to get out with her mates. Cringing, she kneels down in front of him, unzips his trousers, takes out his dick and starts sucking it. Almost immidiately, she pulls away and spits. "DAD, your cock tastes like shit !" she shouts. "oh, thats right, sorry but your brother's got the car " he replies.


What do you say to someone with two black eyes ?
-nothing, you've spoken twice already...
(joke altered to aviod dangerous sexism)

How do you confuse an eskimo ?
tell him to sit in the corner

Doctor, doctor, I've just been Graped ... !
I'm sorry love, don't you mean Raped ?
No, there were a bunch of them !

Bloke go to a bar and says to the barmaid "a pint of lager and a Quicky please " the barmaid stares at him and slaps him. An old man sat the bar shakes his head and laughs. The bloke then rubs his right cheek where he gets slapped, And the barmaid runs off. A second Barmaid serves him. And once again the man asks for "A pint and A Quicky" she too looks at him with an angry stare and slaps his other cheek to which she dashes in the back and the old man sat near him laughs and shakes his head. The old man grabs him by the arm and says "young man..i think the word your looking for is Quiche!!!

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.
First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.
Second woman: I know.
First one: How?
Second one: My dog told me.