Jokes

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

This joke was told to me by a very close friend of mine who is gay, so I hope I dont offend the political correct police.

Three gay men are sitting in a jacquzzi and out of no where there is a condom floating around. One turns to the others and says'Ok who farted?'


St peter is taking the new recruit around the golf course in heaven. They stop behind a two ball and watch them play their shots respectively. It is a 250 yard par 3 over water. The first guy hits a driver clears the water and rests safely about 50ft away from the flag.

The next golfer hits what can be no more than a 3 iron and the ball bounces short of the water bounces a few times than eventually ends up in the lake. He repeats this shot time and time again and it is obvious he is not going to stop till he has achieved his objective which would never be fulfiled. The new recruit turns to St peter and says who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?
to which St Peter replies actually that is Jesus Christ the problem is he keeps thinking he is Tiger Woods.

dave wakes up after an office party with a pounding headache
cotton-mouthed and unable to remember the night before
dave confronts his wife"tell me"he says "was i as bad as i think i was"
"even worse"says the wife."you made a complete fool of yourself"
"you slagged off the board of directors and you insulted your boss right to his face"
"he,s an idiot,id wee on him"dave says
"you did" replied the wife"and he fired you"
"well screw him "dave mumbles back
"i did"says the wife,"yur back at work monday"

if eve wore a fig leaf,what did adam wear?
a hole in it

whats the best thing about having alzheimers?
you can hide your own easter eggs

wife:"you make love like you decorate"
hubby"what slow and professional?"
wife:"no,i have to finish the job myself"

little boys in the bath with his mummy
and he asks"whats that hairy thing mum"?
mum says"thats my sponge"
"yes,the little boys says,the babysitters got one
ive seen dad washing his face with it"

All the brave knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells - "Hey, ya bastard!..........you gave me the wrong key!!"

i had nothing in the kitchen cupboard,so my neighbour lent me some herbs
im now living on borrowed thyme

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked the doctor.
"Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field.
When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake.
"The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!"

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."