Jokes

A blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm, but only 10 percent of it goes in the female, and people wonder why the sea is so salty.

Two pregnant paddy's are knitting jumpers when 1 says "i hope my baby's a boy, i'm using blue wool. The other says "well, i hope mines a spastic cos i've fucked the arms up!

Two fish in a Tank, One fish says "you steer, and I'll work the gun"

Two seals walk into a Club...

What do you do if a 10 st Roddwieler humps your leg? - Fake an orgasm

THE VIRGIN MATCH JOKE :

Heres one for you to SHOW your mates in the pub,

Get nine matches, make two diamond shapes with eight and place the left-over one into one of the diamonds.
NOW, the Diamonds represent Fanny's. You suggest that the Diamond with the match in it is a virgin and the other has been broken.

Suggest to someone to "cure" the virginity (by removing the match seems the only way). As they go to take the match away, move fast and smack the hand saying " Not with your hands!" (I like to use a spoon to crack the knuckles)

Any good?

a bloke works at a pickle factory and one evening he comes home and tells the mrs"ive won a £50 bet"
he tells her"the fellas at work bet me that i didnt dare stick his dick in the pickle slicer"
ha,he said"but i did it"the mrs is worried his dick may be damaged and asks for a look
and shes relieved to see its unharmed,but what about the pickle slicer?the wife asks
oh,"once she,d had a clean up she was fine the dirty cow"

A married couple were having a meal when the husband says to his wife "i bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time" The wife thinks for a few seconds and say's "your dick's bigger then your brother's"

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...

"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"

Pete walks into a bar and sees Dave sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Pete says "Dave what are you so happy for?"

"Well Pete, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Pete. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim!!."
The next day Pete walks into the bar and sees Dave sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face. Pete says "What are you so happy about today Dave?"

"Well Pete... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here. She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim!!
A couple of days pass and Pete walks into a bar and sees Dave crying over a beer. Pete says "Dave, why are you so sad?"

"Well Pete, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?"

"Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her, WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Pete !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....
....Pete, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

great jokes astonv1.loved the red riding hood 1 and the stamp collector.lmfo

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies before Gentleman."
So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, "That's quite an act,...Think you can do better than that?"

The man spat out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"