Jokes

Police officers George and Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat. They had been out only a short time when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and shower and I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

"We don't have to go back," George replied. "Just give the dog one sniff of your pussy, and he'll go fetch them for you."

Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, Fido took off toward the station house.

Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit - and the captain's balls in his mouth!

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to
thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share
the room with?"

lol mate,ive got to be at work.how can i go with you telling crackers like these.

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.

"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!"

(24-08-2009 12:25 )85stevewest Wrote:  lol mate,ive got to be at work.how can i go with you telling crackers like these.

more to come mate....im on my lunch break!!!

A girl is about to tie the knot, and she is watching her
mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks.
"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,
lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum and one named No cum. No cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No cum tu. For very obvious
reasons, No cum and No cum tu do not have any children.

One day, No cum went out of town on business and I cum came over and spent the night with No cum tu.

That night I cum came and No cum tu came too. This made them both very happy. However about 7 or 8 months later, No cum saw he was about to become a father but he do not know how come, so when baby the came, he named it, How cum u cum. Of course, I cum and No cum tu know How cum u cum came but to this day No cum not know how come How cum u cum came!

Cum again ?

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for
another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home."

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.

The first said, "Last night, I did my wife doggy style - it was great!"

"Doggy style?" said the other guy, why, I do it doggy style every night of the week!!
"Wow!!" said the first guy.

"Yep" he replied
"I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead!!"

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied,"Oh, it's easy, dear.

I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."