Jokes

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

Andy, the class crawler, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Andy" says the teacher, "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says," My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house wid a two-inch brush and mi Dad says it will take the contagious."

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom,

"Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He tells her "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our
Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them.

What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

OK im done for now

What's the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has pricks on the outside.
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What's the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms?

1's a goodyear and the other is a bloody good year.
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If there are any idiots in the classroom, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one student rose to his feet.
"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
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Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Jason, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter". Jason was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family…. you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Jason, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Jason. "Well just relax and let it happen". And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!"

Pmsl - that last joke cracked me up...Thanks Asti

(24-08-2009 15:02 )astonv1 Wrote:  Pmsl - that last joke cracked me up...Thanks Asti

Your welcome, heres another 2:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.""
You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
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A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

probably heard this one before.

A woman enters the bedroom and whispers into her husbands ear, "I want you to take off my bra, roll down my stockings and then carefully remove my panties........and I'll kill you if I see you wearing them again!"

A local journalist is sent to a nursing home to do a feature on an old lady who is celebrating her 100th birthday.

He says'"So Elsie, I believe you have never had one day off sick throughout your life, that is simply amazing. I can't believe you have never been bed ridden?

Elsie replies" Well young man, I may never have been bed ridden but I have been table ended and butt fucked on many an occasion!"

excellent work guys,im taking these to work tmrw,should get the guys ltfo

bloke in a pub notices that his table has got a few carvings on it.
so he says to the barman"what are these marks on my table"
the barman says"ah,we have a competition going that whoevers got the biggest dick can shag the barmaid"
the bloke looks at the barmaid and shes a stunner
then he says ive got all them beat,"take a look at this"
he places his knob on the table and its a few inches past the previous mark.
"do i win then"he asks
"no afraid not "says the barman,"you see all the other blokes have been standing the other side of the table"