Jokes

Two prostitutes standing on a corner. One say's "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" the other say's "no, but i,ve been swung round by the tits."

Women are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love her, a diamond to marry her, a club to smash her fucking head in and a spade to the bitch.

An extra one coming that i wil remove if peope find it offensive.


What was the last thing Jesus said to his disciple whilst on the cross?

"Don't touch my easter eggs you bastards cos I'll be back Sunday!"

an australian tourist looking for sex find a brothel
he pays the madam and picks the girl he wants
but as she undresses he sees she has no pubic hair
the aussie says"what no wool?,in my country all woman have wool down there"
the hooker snaps back"bloody hell,what do you want to do,knit or fuck"

when they were little boys,arnold swatzaneger,sylvester stallone and bruce willis use to play at being composers
stallone use to pretend to be beethoven,while bruce willis played being mozart,but little arnold always use to say i,ll be bach

two men at an airport start chating and it turns out theve both lost the mrs
1st man says"whats your wife look like?"
2nd man "shes 5-10 blonde,big tits.wearin a mini skirt,stockings.hi heels and a boob tube"
"whats your look like?"
1st man replies"fuck her,we,ll look for yours"

An old American absentmindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport.
"You have been to France before Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection", snapped the irate official.
The Old Guy said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport.
"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there was no fucking Frenchman on the beach asking for passports.
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they had sexthe husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a vibrator!

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids.
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George Phillip's was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot all the sons of bitches !” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said you were all fucking busy!”
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Still a joke but on a quick note:

Why do kamikaze pilots were helmets?

A boss of a company is wanting to hire a new employee for his company and decides to run some interveiws. The boss
unfortunately has no ears and is a little sensitive about it.

The first person came in it. He did okay on the questions but when the boss asked if he noticed anything different
about him, the boy said, "yes I've noticed you've got no ears."
So the boss finshed the interveiw and the boy didn't get the job.

The second person was a girl. She did very well on her questions and the boss seemed to like her but when he asked if she notices anything different about him, she said, "yeah I've noticed that you have no ears."
Disappointed the boss ends the interview and she didn't get the job.

The last one was a guy. He did extremely well on the questions and the boss was very pleased with him. When he asked the
guy if he noticed anything different about him the guy replied, "yeah I noticed you wear contacts." The boss is extremely pleased
with the guy's observing skills and asked, "how did you know I wore contacts?" To which the guy replied, falling off his chair
backwards laughing, "you can't wear glasses because you've got no fucking ears!"
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These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?
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A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

i'm apologising for this one before i even post it:

why shouldn't you wear russian boxer shorts

chernobyl fallout

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N... I... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "i'm fucking up your plans for a canoe you stupid prick!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!"

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A woman is lying naked on a bed when a bee flies into her vagina. She calls to her husband to take her to hospital to have it removed, which he does.

Whilst being checked, the Doctor gets some grips and say's "no problem, i'll just pull it out. He inserts the grips into the womans vagina and tries to locate the bee, but had no such luck.

10 minutes later the Doctor say's "maybe we can make it come out on its own" so he rubs some honey onto the womans vagina.

After 30 minutes of waiting the husband left the room to get a drink. When he returned his wife was lying on her back and the Doctor was having sex with her. The husband went berserk and shouted "what the fuck is going on here." The Doctor replied with "I've tried pulling the bee out and it didn't work and i've tried luring it out and it didn't work, so now, i'm just gonna drown the little bastard!"

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!!!!