Jokes

Bloody autocorrect strikes again.

The other day I sent my best mate a text saying 'Hey Dave, do you fancy coming for a wank along the river?'

I mean, how embarrassing. I meant 'canal'

I'm setting up a group for cyclists who ignore red lights!

Please feel free to join..

Cyclists Unable to Notice Traffic Signals.

Me - I’m having a great day apart from Newpussycat...

Friend - what’s Newpussycat?

Me - Whoaaah whoaaah whoooaaaah

Sunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me asked what I thought of her flip flops?

Bloody horrible I said

"Put your bikini top back on"

I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her. "8 or 9 at least!" I said. "Out of 10?" she smiled. "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered." Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'....

Apparently Gollum was once a normal man.

But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life.

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.

I was on a plane and the air hostess said, "Want some headphones?

"I said, "Blimey. How'd you guess that my name is Phones?"

At my last job interview, I was asked what my greatest weakness was

I said "honesty".

The interviewer said "I don't think honesty is a weakness"

I replied "I don't give a shit what you think"

I was having trouble with my computer at work so I called IT Support...

He said, "Have you tried disabling cookies?"

I said, "Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man?"