Jokes

I'm on a health kick. I've decided to stop using the drive-thru at McDonald's!

I'm going to park the car and walk in.

Does anyone want to join my javelin club?

I’m just throwing it out there.

My son is three years old and yesterday I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and let him loose in the jewellers.

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks. "Work hard, put the hours in, and this time next year I'll have an even better one!"

I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early.

She told me to use the back door and I’d have to be quick...

In hindsight I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that!

My wife left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to my mums house!" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about?

I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog shit.

A minute later, some guy did exactly the same.

I said to him, "I just did that!"

So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard!

Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a fuck, he's still going!

My brother was so mean when I was a child.

He used to glue the pages of his porn magazines together so I couldn't look at them.