Jokes

So I told him, if you want to set up a company and run it yourself, that's your own business.

Bought a dog called Curiosity.

I bought a cat today but didn’t have time to name her.

When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.' When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while. When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer. I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn’t get me anywhere.

Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through !

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

How to work out your twat name.

Take your first name and replace it with Piers.

Now take your surname and replace it with Morgan.

I had a Bonnie Tyler Satnav, but it was terrible.

Just kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart.

Young lad in the bath with his Mum: 'What's that furry thing?'

Mum: 'That's my sponge son.'

Young lad: 'Oh yeah, the babysitter has one too, I've seen her washing Dad's face with it!'

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday. He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.