Jokes

My Wife was concerned about me suffering from erectile dysfunction.

We both had different ideas as to what the problem was: She bought me some Viagra; And I've bought her a treadmill.

My porn star mate recently passed away.

As a mark of respect we scattered his ashes over his wife's face.

My mate's Transgender...

He used to be a dick, now he's a complete cunt.

A man and a woman are getting ready for a party...

Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?

Man: Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?

Woman: Yes, I promise.



Man: I fucked your sister.

Thought of the day: Do female pilots sit in Cuntpits?

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

My lad came up to me this afternoon.

"Daddy, what's Viagra?"

"Well," I told him, "it's a pill that I have to take because Mummy's getting old"

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

My mother in law called me lazy when she came to my house today, but on the plus side she took down the Christmas tree.

I lost my job at the garden centre today.

My boss brought this big lad over to me and said “He needs decking."