Jokes

My son asked me: "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

"That happens in every country, son," I replied.

I remember taking my lad to the pub for the 1st time.
Bought him a pint of stout, didn't like it so I drank it, pint of lager, same thing, cider, same.
Got us shots, the ungrateful shit made me have em all. Finally we left.

How the fuck I got the pushchair home I'll never know.

This one liner from comedian Adam Rowe was chosen as the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival :

Working for the Jobcentre has to be a tense job-knowing that if you get fired,you still have to come in the next day.

When a girl changes clothes in front of you, she is really into you.

Or she hasn't spotted you in the cupboard yet.

A Quick Guide on "How to Fall Down Stairs":

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them...

Or because the rest of the family was there...

Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

You have to hand it to her.

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

My wife and I decided to not have children.

The kids are pretty upset.

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat bastard sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.