Jokes

I've been a bit depressed lately.
Only last week I noticed that I have a grey pubic hair. But I stayed calm about it. I didn't freak out...

Unlike the other miserable bastards in the lift!

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

The ungrateful bitch spat it out.

Saw my ex today. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.

Police were pissed off though, I was only supposed to identify the body...

Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died.

It is, however, a huge weight off my shoulders.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

A woman runs into a police station screaming help! Help! I just been graped
The policeman say do you mean raped ?
She says no there was a bunch of them

My wife crashed her car this morning.

When the police came, she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory.

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids. But, when I got home, they were still there.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working ?
You slap her on the arse and tell her to get back to work