Jokes

The late Ronnie Corbett did this brilliantly funny story which I've typed out so keep with it, you'll like it. Those of you who don't know who he was, he was an actor and comic genius who got together with another comic genius to form a double act called The Two Ronnies(the other was another actor Ronnie Barker) and their television specials at Christmas were some of the highest rated shows on the BBC and regularly trounced the opposition. Ronnie C would sit in a chair and regale his audience with long-winded stories and jokes and below is one I remembered. Enjoy.


Here's the story
A man has been stranded on a desert island for years and one day he is walking along the sand and spots something in the water. He rushes down to the edge and watches then suddenly a figure in a zipped wetsuit appears from the water. On taking off the hood and removing the snorkel it reveals a beautiful woman with a French accent. She sachets up to him as he sits and stares at her. He hasn't seen anyone let alone a woman for years. She stands in front of him and asks "how long have been here on your own?" He tells her nearly 5 years. She asks him how had it been since he had some food and what he has missed. "I've not had any chocolate for years" he tells her and then she unzips a pocket above her left breast and takes out 2 bars of chocolate. He thanks her and shares some with her. Then, she asks him how long had it been since he had a cigarette-he says the same time and she unzips a second pocket above her right breast and takes out a packet of cigarettes and they share one between them. Then with her hand on the main wetsuit zip she asks in a sexy voice "How long has it been since you played around?" The man looks at the woman about to pull her zip down and says "good god you haven't got a set of golf clubs in there as well have you?"

1. Do you know the difference between a horse and a cactus? [No] What?! Well just try sitting on one, then you’ll know it.
   

1. 2
   

Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together. The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one. At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly: “Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”

Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”

Earl: "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!"

1. 3
   

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

I was so drunk last night.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, i took off my coat, shoes, top, trousers and underwear.

I crept upstairs very quietly... It was only when i got to the top of the stairs, I realised I was on the bus.

Its an oldie from school days but a goodie(some of these still exist btw)

What happened when a fight broke out in the biscuit tin?

The BANDIT, tied up the PENGUIN with a BLUE RIBAND and then made his BREAKAWAY in a TAXI !!

Two blokes chatting.
Bloke 1 says "You know what, sometimes I get home from work and I have a terrible headache"
Bloke 2 asks "Yeah? So how do you get rid of it, Asprin?"
Bloke 1 says "No, I put my head inbetween my wife's breasts and go wuhhhhhhh! After that it's fine."
Bloke 2 says "Funny I get headaches some times and aspirin doesn't always work"
Bloke 1 says to him "Well maybe you should do what I do, that might help"

A week later Bloke 2 is chatting again to Bloke 1 and the subject of headaches comes up again
"Oh yeah, says Bloke 2, I tried that idea you said and it worked, it got rid of my headache. Mind you, your wife was a bit surprised!"

Decided to cut down on my alcohol intake so I've started limiting myself to a single glass of wine with each meal.

It's going well, I'm already down to 18 meals a day.

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and weed.

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.

The local busker just said he was going to attack me with the neck of his guitar.

I said "Is that a fret?"

Wife and I are in the iron and steel business-she does the ironing, and I do the stealing!