Jokes

A church put a job advert in the local paper for a bell-ringer but after 3 weeks no-one replied until a muted man without arms walked into the church.The vicar asked him if he came for the bell-ringer job to which the guy nodded but the vicar asked how could he do the job if he couldn't speak & had no arms.The guy ran all the way to the top of the tower & as the clock struck 4 o'clock he head-butted the bell 4 times."That was fantastic could you possibly start tomorrow" to which the guy nodded.

Four weeks later & the job was going well for the bell-ringer who was always prompt & considerate until one morning when he overslept, running into the church barely dressed the bell-ringer by-passed everyone & ran up to the top of the tower as fast as he could but as he went to headbutt the bell he slipped & unfortunately fell to his death.

A week later the church held a funeral for the unfortunate bell-ringer & during the sermon the Vicar mentioned to his guests that despite the ringers disabilities it didn't deter him from being such a great worker but strangely he never revealed his identity to anyone.And the Vicar turned to his guests & said "In the short time I worked with him I never knew his name but his face rang a bell".

They say everyone has a natural talent for something & mine is sleeping of which I'm an expert at.I'm that good at it I can even do it with my eyes closed.



I know lots of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Grandad.

QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!

A man walks into a library & asks the librarian if they had any books about paranoia to which the librarian replies "they're right behind you!!".



If all brides are beautiful where do ugly wives come from?.

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal and she kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done!

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a film.

She said, “What would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

There was a terrible story on the news earlier today about a man being brutally attacked & murdered in his own home. Reports say that regarding the dead body they found cornflakes in his mouth,coco pops up his his nose,rise crispies in his ears & a weetabix shoved up his arse.Police believe they are looking for a Cereal Killer.

Doctor: "Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?"

Me: "That's literally all I drink."

This morning I walked in on my girlfriend putting on her make-up to which I commented to her that she drew on her eyebrows much too high.She looked surprised.

So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!

for instance, my name, address, and telephone number.