Jokes

I'm not in the Mile High Club and I don't give a flying fuck.

Did you hear about the Leper who attempted to beat the world masturbation record?

He pulled it off.

Someone in the office just used the expression 'flanter' which is apparently a combination of the words 'flirty' & 'banter'.

What a Cunker.

My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I'm so easily distracted...


Ah well. Back to it I suppose.

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Les Dawson
"I wouldn't say the wife's mother-in-law was fat, but when she bent down in the garden one day the neighbours thought there was a total eclipse!"

(20-10-2018 14:09 )Cheesy Grin Wrote:  I started a business selling Japanese bonsai trees.

It's been so successful I've had to move to smaller premises

Have yow gor any branches near the Miglunds

Here's an old one. During the war, The CIA looked after the President of the United States, MI6 looked after Winston Churchill so who looked after De Gaulle?

De Gaulle keeper.

What did the ghost eat for lunch?
GHOUL-ASH!

Did you hear about the comedic ghost who was booked to haunt a girls school?
He ended up making a SPECTRE-CAL of himself.

The wife of a ghost was so happy she was expecting a baby-turned out to be a PHANTOM pregnancy

After a long day gardening, I had a shower and put some nice clean clothes on, went downstairs and said to Mrs Foggy, "I feel like a new man now".

To which she replied, "So do I".