Jokes

Now the Mrs and I are getting on in years she thought she'd try and spice up the old sex a bit.

So one night she dressed up as catwoman and jumped on the bed yelling "SUPERPUSSY:

I replied "Soup, thanks"

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

A joke my Dad told me once. An immigrant is trying to learn English in order to settle in New York so his translator sets about teaching him how to pronounce words.

"Ah, says the man I have a cow". "No, its pronounced cough(coff) says his teacher" Later he is looking at a picture of a farmer in a field-ah, he says he is using a pluff. No, corrects his teacher, it is pronounced plow(plough)" and much later he is feeling a bit row. "No, its pronounced rough(ruff) says his teacher. Weeks go by and he feels that he has gained enough knowledge on pronounciation to go for a walk in the Big Apple. As he walks down a road he spies a big poster on a wall of a famous pianist(himself once an immigrant) and gets really confused...It reads:

'LIBERACE-PRONOUNCED SUCCESS!'

My wife and I share a sense of humour.

We have to because she hasn't fucking got one.

By previously legalising same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly: Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

Do you know why I don't do threesomes?

Because if I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.

Two from Tim Vine:

Velcro...what a rip off!

EXIT doors...they're on the way out!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper Before leaving, she says to the clerk, I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?

About 32,’ is the reply

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50, the woman says happily

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, I’d guess about 29 The woman replies with a big smile, Nope, I’m 50.

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, Oh, I’d say 30

Again she proudly responds, I’m 50, but thank you!

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands in your knickers Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, What the hell, go ahead

He slips both of his hands into her panties and begins to feel around very slowly and gently caresses her nicely trimmed muff. He pushes her lips apart and gently slides his fingers in and out of her now moist pussy.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, Okay, okay.....How old am I?

He completes one last finger of her clitorus, removes his hands, and says, Madam, you are 50.

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?

‘I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds.