Jokes

I used to work in a calendar factory.

I was sacked because I kept taking days off.

I saw an ad in the local newsagents window.

Tv for sale, £1
Volume stuck on maximum.

I thought I can't turn that down.

Teenage boy walks into a sperm bank.

Nurse. Please find a cubicle and a magazine , then can you mastabate in the cup.

Teenage boy. The cup ? I'm quite good but I don't know if I'm tournament standard.

What do you call an artist with a smelly brown finger - Piccasshole.

I thought I'd surprise the girlfriend yesterday & bought her a bunch of flowers to which she turned to me & said "Huh,I suppose I better open my legs for them!" to which I replied "They'd look much better in a vase!".

"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with "once upon a time"?" "No", I replied. "There are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with "If elected, I promise...""

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.

I love how babies always look drunk.

Even after only one beer.

I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower... They all replied, "How did you get in here?"