Jokes

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Turns out the Canary Islands do not have canaries.

Same thing with the Virgin Islands. No canaries.

Shout out to my Grandma.

That's the only way she can hear.

I got a phone call from my son's music school today.

"Hi, this is Billy’s music teacher calling."

"Oh, hi," I replied.

"I just wanted to let you know, looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!"

"Really? Ama-"

"Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet."

No Nut November was pretty tough. Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.

I've just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody!

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

Apologies if I've pinched these from here or any member here.... But found them in a doc & thought too good to not post.

"IF YOU WERE MAROONED ON A DESERT ISLAND," ASKED THE DJ, "WHAT RECORD WOULD YOU WANT?"
- THE RECORD FOR SWIMMING THE FARTHEST.

MY WIFE IS LEAVING ME BECAUSE OF MY OBSESSION WITH AMERICAN SITCOMS.
- HAPPY DAYS!

IF YOU'RE GOING TO HIDE A BODY, DON'T PUT IT UNDER A WHITE TENT.
- THE POLICE ALWAYS SEEM TO LOOK THERE FIRST.

CAN'T BELIEVE DAVID HASSELHOFF HAS CHANGED HIS NAME TO THE HOFF.
- SUPPOSE IT WAS TOO MUCH HASSEL?

HAD MY FIRST CAGE FIGHT LAST NIGHT.
- THE BUDGIE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIT HIM.

WHERE DOES KYLIE MINOGUE BUY HER KEBABS FROM?
- THE JASON DONNA-VAN!

TWO FISH IN A TANK; ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER - "HOW DO WE START THIS THING?"

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

She's doing the washing.

Where would we be without sat navs ?

I couldn't afford an en suite bathroom so i bought some plastic sheets.
If anything it's even more convenient.

Two tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.