Jokes

ME AT 15: Yay, my friends are sleeping over!

ME AT 25: Gonna go out for drinks and have my friends crash at my place

ME AT 35: If you're in my home for more than 15min I'll call the police

The only preparation I make for the festive season is putting myself on the sex offenders register to keep carol singers away from the house.

A mum listens in on her four year old playing with his train set and hears:

“All those on who are getting off, go on fuck off, and all those getting on, you better fucking hurry up”.

So the mum smacks his bum and sends him upstairs until he’s learned his lesson. Two hours later and the boy comes downstairs and apologises, and is allowed to carry on playing with his train set, with his mum listening in.

“All those departing the train, thank you for travelling with us and have a good day. All those boarding the train, please mind the gap and have a safe journey.....and all those who are upset by the two hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!”

I've never forgot the day my parents sat me down & told me Santa wasn't real.

I was utterly heartbroken.

Not sure how I managed to still go into work that day.

_

A woman goes to her Gynaecologist.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The doctor has a look, chuckles and says, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

A husband and wife loved to play golf together but were not satisfied with their game, so they decided to take private lessons. The husband had his lesson first.

After the pro saw him swing, he said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?" asks the husband.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The husband took his advice, had a swing, and hit the ball 250 yards straight down the fairway.

The husband went back to his wife with the good news, and the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.The next day the wife went for her lesson.

The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asked the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and sent the ball straight down the fairway...about 15 feet.

"That was great," said the pro. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

A man with a winking problem applies for a job at a large advertising company

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," says the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?

"Oh, that," he sighs. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy winking, and asked for aspirin?"

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.