Jokes

You know you've had a fairly slow year when Facebook considers the pic you took of the scab on your knee as one of your personal highlights of 2018.

My wife has recently decided to try her hand at cooking, and today handed me one of her freshly baked cookies. “Now be brutally honest” she smiled,“I’m open to criticism”

I said “They’re quite nice you fat cunt”.

I spent a couple of hours yesterday defrosting the fridge, or foreplay as she likes to call it.

The wife’s on the warpath again, she was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Paddy’s wife has never had an orgasm and the doctor suggests she might be overheating during sex.

So Paddy gets his mate round to waft a towel over them during sex. After 20 minutes, still no orgasm, so Paddy’s mate suggests “let’s swap, I’ll shag her, you waft the towel”.

Within seconds Paddy’s wife is screaming with pleasure and has her first orgasm ever.

Paddy turns to his friend slowly and says “and that my friend is how you waft a towel”.

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.
She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

_

Welcome to the Drugs advice line.

For cannabis advice, press the hash key.

I was asked today about how I viewed lesbian relationships

Apparently 'in 4K ultra high definition' wasn't the right answer

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”

“What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician.

“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”