Jokes

I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

Two thai girls asked me if i wanted threesome claiming it would be like winning the lottery, i agreed and they was right we had six matching balls

Someone nicked the saddle off my bike.

Riding to work this morning was a pain in the arse.

"So this is Christmas, and what have you done?"

The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

I tried to get in touch with my feminine side...but it was engaged!

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed again.

A patient walks into the Doctor's room.

"Please be seated", says the Doc.

"Well Doc, that's precisely my problem. Every time I sit down, I fart"

"Strange, then please sit in order that I may observe", suggests the Doc.

The patient sits down and lets off a growler.

"Please move over to the examination bed and sit down", the Doctor advises the patient.

The patient moves and sits on the side of the bed and lets off another ripper.

The doctor reaches under the bed and pulls out a long wooden pole with a brass hook on the end.

"Fucking Hell Doc!", stammers the wide-eyed patient. "What are you going to do with that?"

"Open some windows, it fucking stinks in here"

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name 'Mary Ellen' written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologised.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"
His wife replied...................................
"Your fucking horse phoned!"

Not strictly a joke... but funny anyway. couldn't be arsed writing it all out anew.

An American business man takes a short business trip to Japan. He arrives on a Sunday night, with meetings on that Tuesday. Since he is in a foreign land, and is bored with nothing to do, he calls up a prostitute service. A Japanese woman arrives at the door with in the hour, and the two proceed to have sex with eachother. The woman is on top, and the entire time all she says is "hoshimoto." The man doesn't know what to think, since he doesn't understand what she's saying, but the woman appears to be having a good time, so they continue. After the climax, the man pays the woman and she leaves. The next day, the American decides to play golf with some of the Japanese people he will be meeting with the next day. The round is relatively standard except for the 18th hole. When it is the American man's turn to drive, he hits a hole in one. All the Japanese people start yelling in celebration, and the American doesn't know what to say, so he says the first Japanese word that pops into his head, "hoshimoto." One of the Japanese business men looks at him, and in a thick accent says: "What do you mean, 'wrong hole?'"