Jokes

St Peter is stood at the pearly gates. Four nuns appear. St Peter says, "Before I can let you into Heaven, you need to each confess your sins."

The first nun says, "I once saw a penis." St Peter says, "Ok, go wash your eyes in the holy water and I will let you in to Heaven."

The second nun says, "I once touched a penis." St Peter says, "Ok, go and wash your hands in the holy water and I will let you into Heaven."

The third nun starts pushing the fourth nun out of the way. St Peter says, "Oh oh oh what's going on here?"

The third nun replies, " I want to wash me gob in the holy water before she puts her arse in it."

I recently got a new job as a bus driver.

My boss said to me, "Today you start on the one-man buses, meaning you do both jobs. Collect the fares and drive the bus."

Later that day the bus hit a tree. The police, ambulance and the boss arrived. When the boss started shouting I said "Don't blame me you twat, I was collecting the fares upstairs at the time of the crash."

what do you call a bulletproof irish man?

Rick O'Shea.

A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry.

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the therapist, who tells him, "You need to change things up a bit. You'll just have to do something sexy to attract her."

The next morning, the wife is in the house, ironing some clothes, when she hears strange sounds from outside. She runs out of the kitchen and into the front yard, and sees her husband completely naked thrusting his dick in and out of the tractor's exhaust pipe. "What on Earth are you doing?" she shouts.

The farmer looks up at her. "Well the therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor".

The kids want a kitten for christmas, i´d normally cook a turkey, but.......whatever makes them happy.

My plumber accidentally hooked my boiler up to the toilet and I didn’t notice.

A few weeks later I started getting hot flushes.

I bought some of those flavoured condoms the other day.

I said to the wife “let’s play a game, I put one on and you try to guess what flavour it is”.

She closed her eyes, went under the blanket and said “cheese and onion flavour”.

I said “for fucks sake, give me a chance to put one on”.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know but the flag is a big plus.

I remember the time a large annoying drone ruined my Christmas….

Or the mother in law as she prefers to be called.