Jokes

I’m going to rob a bank tomorrow.

I plan on dressing up in a clown wig wearing only a thong and nipple tassels.

I’ll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm, and while in the bank, I’m going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off.

After getting the money, I’ll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let’s see Crimewatch make a reconstruction of that.

I shagged a girl a couple of weeks ago who described herself as a “serial romancer”. She was right - two weeks later my dick looks like it’s covered in cornflakes and it’s making its own milk!

What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?

You can’t marmalade your cock up a girl’s arse.

What do you call children born out of prostitution?

Brothel sprouts.

Why is it you can sue cigarette companies for getting cancer, McDonald’s for getting fat, but you can’t sue Stella for all the ugly cunts you’ve shagged?

As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered “Do you want to stay here tonight?”

“No” I replied and went home.

Why would I want to stand outside her front door all night?

Ordered 4 Kindles off Amazon, they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.

I saw a girl busking today. She had a great voice and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.

“Any requests?” She asked the watching crowd.
“Your thong” I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror and the girl slapped me.

It’s not easy being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

I tried anal sex with the wife recently but I think I need to work on my technique.

No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t get my whole arse into her vagina.

My wife looked out the window this morning and said she was going out to scrape the car.

“Against what”? is apparently not the right response.