Jokes

Bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said “How’s your new bloke?”

“He’s twice the man you are” she sneered, “What about your new woman?”

I said “thankfully she’s half the woman you are you fat cunt”.

Everyday i forget in which direction the sun rises.
Then it dawns on me.

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he then asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying sod. He's never been out of the garden!

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to a gun shop and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit three inches off my cock, and my neighbour came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air."

A man staggers into the A&E with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Thats when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

Enjoying myself in a club last night. This really ugly girl came up to me , squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your phone number sexy."

I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Yes."

I said, "Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Baileys and Lime

Girl and her boyfriend go to the pub. When it’s the girl’s turn to buy a round, she tells him that she’s heard of a wonderful new drink that he simply must try.

She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of Bailey’s, the other lime juice.

Instructions : “OK, what you’ve got to do is, you’ve got to swig the Bailey’s, hold it in your mouth, then drink the lime juice.”

He looks a bit dubious, but she is very enthusiastic, so he decides to give it a go.

First the Bailey’s, lovely smooth creamy and warm feeling in the mouth, then he takes the lime juice.


Time +0.1 seconds - The cream in the Bailey’s curdles.
Time +0.3 seconds - Boyfriend’s face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
Time +0.5 seconds - Boyfriend calms his stomach and swallows the gunge.
Time +1.5 seconds - She whispers in his ear...

“It’s called blowjob revenge”..

A Native American brave was curious as to how he had received his name. So he went to speak to his father, the chieftain of the tribe.

"Father," he asked, "how is it that I acquired my name.

The noble chieftain began a long narrative for his youngest son.

"Well, my son, I named you and both of your brothers for an event which occurred on the day each of you were born. For example, the day your eldest brother was born, I saw a deer running swiftly through the forest, so I named him Deer Running Swiftly.

"Likewise, when your middle brother was born, the rain was pouring hard outside of the wigwam, so I named him Rain Pouring Hard.

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that but there's two things:

#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

O.K.," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils the cab drivers fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's O.K. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."