Jokes

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the fucking field were you before you realised it was caught?"

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .. . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my cock out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

The wife said to me last night,'if you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse '.

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. "Ooh!" said the presenter, " This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermist who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?". "Sticks?" said Paddy.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Man to wife: "What did she say?"

Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.