Jokes

Two pissed up guys visit a brothel..

The madam takes one look at them and tells the manager “Go and put inflatable dolls in their rooms, these guys are too drunk to notice.”

After finishing their act, on their way back...

1st drunk : “I think my girl was dead, she never made a noise or move” to which the 2nd drunk replies : “Mine was worse....I think she was a witch”

1st drunk : “Why would you say that???”
2nd drunk : “Well I gave her a little love bite on her arse, she farted in my face and flew out of the window!”

My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.

I’ll try harder in 2018.

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Me: Well next time take the car then silly

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise a voice comes from the peanut bowl “You look great tonight!” it said “You really look fantastic...and that aftershave is wonderful.”

The man is obviously a little confused but tries to ignore it.

Realising he has run out of cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the cigarette machine “You BASTARD...Oh my God you STINK..do you know you’re almost as ugly as your mother!”

By now the man is extremely perplexed, so he turns to the bartender for an explanation.

“Ah yes sir” the bartender responds, “the peanuts are complimentary but the cigarette machine is out of order.”

A captain was inspecting his ship when he found a woman hiding in a lifeboat. She pleaded with him not to arrest her because a sailor had sneaked her aboard.

“I met him at Liverpool Pier Head” she says, “I was feeling upset and depressed and about to throw myself into the sea, but he offered to take me to Australia.”

“He said that it would be a long voyage” she continued “and that there would be lots of stops,but as long as I stayed out of sight he would bring me food. In return, I’ve been giving him sex. So he’s just been screwing me.”

“He certainly has” replied the captain, “This is the Isle of Man ferry.”

Jonathan Ross has been caught shoplifting kitchen utensils...

When challenged he said he thought it was a whisk worth taking.

The inventor of speed boats has sadly died..

The funeral will be held on Friday, followed by the wake.

An ancient mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt..

Archaeologists believe it is Pharoah Rocher...

Got a universal remote for Christmas.

This changes everything.

Whilst on holiday in Thailand I nearly had sex with a ladyboy. She looked like a lady, spoke like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady.

It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed her car into the spot 1st time I thought: "Hang on a minute...!"