Jokes

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself.

In a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography, but nobody seems to believe me.

But that’s my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Woman goes to see a Geordie Doctor. She says “doctor, me armpits smell of coconuts”

Doctor says “well they’re bounty pet”.

I’m not saying I’m ugly, but I had sex with a blind girl once and she asked me to turn the light off...

I was caught sniffing Tippex once. They sent me to a correction centre.

To the thief who stole my shoes while i was on the bouncy castle , grow up!

A man walks into a bar with a bag of tarmac under his arm & says to the barman "Can I have a pint please & one for the road".

It was reported on the news earlier today that two men had been arrested in a Hardware store by the Police where one man was caught eating batteries & the other was caught eating fireworks.Apparently they charged one man & released the other.

So two Inuits are out fishing in their umiak one day, and it is so bitterly cold, I mean REALLY cold, even by their standards, it is bone chillingly cold, so they decide to light a fire to warm themselves up...

Of course, because the umiak is made of driftwood, whalebone and covered in seal skin, the fire quickly burned through the umiak and it sank, leaving them in the freezing water.

Luckily they were rescued and survived the incident..

The question is this, what did they learn from this experience?

That you can’t have your kayak and heat it....