Jokes

I got a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids but when I got home they were still there.

Following the madness of the festive season, Santa's Little Helpers often suffer from exhaustion ,stress, burn out, self-esteem issues and existential crisis.

So this year, Santa is showing his caring and supportive side by giving them resources to strengthen and recharge emotionally and spiritually.

First up is his Elf Help book....

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster.

"Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains." "That's the least of your worries. You're HIV positive."

What's the difference between a oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer ?

The taste.

This one is a cracker ------------ Theresa May

I’m developing a phobia of German sausages.

I fear the wurst...

I saw a man in the supermarket earlier who reminded me of Michael Jackson.

He came up to me and said “Don’t forget about Michael Jackson”

My wife is always stealing my T shirts and sweaters.

But if I take one of her dresses then suddenly it’s “we need to talk”...

I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said "Would you like a beer for your wife?"

I said "That sounds like a fair swap"