Jokes

Last night my girlfriend and I watched three movies back to back...

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?, it went down the road and turned into a field.

This Houston cop was workin' his beat on the freeway, when he sees this guy cruisin' along in a convertible with three penguins in the backseat. He pulls the guy over and says,
"Hey man, you can't just cruise around with those penguins! Not on my beat. You take those penguins to the zoo!"
And the guy says,
"Yes sir!" and off he goes.

The very next day the cop sees the same guy with the same penguins cruisin' down the road except this time they're all wearing shades.

This really ticks the cop off and he pulls the guy over and says,
"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
And the guy says,
"Yes sir, I did, and today we're going to the beach!"

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

This fellas driving a top of the range sports car and ragging it full speed down the motorway, he suddenly sees a copper behind him but instead of slowing down he decides to put his foot down and goes way over the limit, he starts pulling away but realises the copper probably has his number plate on camera so he slows the fuck down and faces the music. The cop gets out, walks over to the car and says that's a stupid thing to do lad but listen, it's 4:30 and I clock off at 5 so tell you what, if you give me a cracking excuse as to why you were going that fast then I'll let you off to save the paperwork. Man answers......well my wife ran off with a traffic cop about 10 years ago, and when I seen you behind me I thought you were bringing her back.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid. She said, ‘What am I going to do with two dead dogs?’

Congratulations!
You have won the main prize!
You have a choice of either £200, or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute show.

To claim your prize press '1' for the money; '2' for the show.

A recently married girl phones her mum to say she's divorcing her very rich husband. The young woman explains it's because her husband always wants anal sex. She moans to her mum that when she got married she had a nice tight bumhole like a 5 pence piece and now it's stretched to a 50 pence piece.

Her mum says....You have a Porsche, a gold card...all the money you could possibly want and you're going to throw it all away for 45p?!

A husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."