Jokes

If Prince philip want's to drive a new land rover, I won't stand in his way!

I'm a scientist who's researching bestiality between humans & dogs... If you want me I'll be in my Lab!

I had a bit of a nasty bump to the head at home earlier this morning where a pile of books fell on my head - I've only myshelf to blame.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I’m being stalked....

Day 30 without sex :

I’ve been going to Starbucks for the past three days straight just to hear someone scream my name.

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To be fair they were right, we had six matching balls...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole, grab for my penis and pull yourself up". And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The Moral Of The Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens,

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, " she replies. . . . . . "You just happened to catch my eye."