Jokes

For every rich tea biscuit, there are a thousand tea biscuits living in squalor. Bloody Tories.

A man walks into Waterstones and asks the young lady assistant,

“Do you have the new self help book out for men with a small penis? I can’t remember the title”

She replies “I’m not sure if it’s in yet”.

The man says “that’s the one, I’ll take a copy”.

My therapist suggested that to get over old wounds I should write letters to my enemies and then burn them. It actually worked! I’m just not sure if I’m supposed to keep the letters...

Does anyone want to make me an offer on 40 pints of milk, 25 loaves of bread, 60 assorted cans of various tinned items & 48 dozen eggs?

That snow bomb wasn’t as bad as I first expected.

Top things to know about constipation:

1. There is no number 2

My wife said we should spice up our love life by participating in some "doctors and nurses" role play.

So I put her on a trolley and ignored her for two days.

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."

"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a ten pound note." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you £10 to have your shirt cleaned."

"Thass a great idea!"

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"

He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me £10 to have my shirt cleaned."

The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's £20 in here!"

"Oh yeah, he shit my pants, too."

A woman at work has just emailed me..

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

Giggling because I've just drawn a cock 'n' balls on the bosses car... Took me ages to brush all the snow off & get the permanent marker to work in the wet.

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men, so I told her to sit down and shut up.

But she couldn't do either.